You often find yourself at the crossroads of discipline and frustration. The challenge of correcting your child’s behavior without causing emotional wounds is a delicate balancing act. The Bible offers practical guidance on this matter that emphasizes love, understanding, and effective discipline. By understanding these biblical principles along with some psychological insights, you can nurture your children in ways that promote their well-being and prevent the formation of deep-seated emotional wounds that may affect them into adulthood.
The Seeds You Sow
The experiences and lessons you impart to your children today lay the foundation for who they become as an adult. Young minds are sponges that are seeking to absorb all they can to help navigate their life experience. Unmet emotional needs and harsh disciplinary methods can lead to patterns that negatively influence their actions and relationships as adults. Proverbs 22:6 reminds you to, “Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it.” This emphasizes the long-term impact of your parenting style. Whether your child is trained up through harsh and critical methods or trained up with love and understanding, they will not depart from it when they are older. Every word they hear and every behavior they observe, they will not depart from when they are older. If they are treated as an inconvenience, incompetent, always messing up, or never being enough; these pattens will embed themselves into their mind and create a lens through which they interpret the world through their entire lives.
Avoiding Emotional Wounds
When discipline is administered as an expression of your negative internal dialogue, you are modeling the conflict you are having with yourself. The insecurity they observe in you is learned by them and your emotional wounds are passed onto them, persisting into their adulthood. These wounds manifest as devalued self-perceptions, difficulties in relationships, and repeating unhealthy patterns to their children. Ephesians 6:4 advises, “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” This verse highlights the importance of nurturing your children without inciting resentment or anger. “…do not provoke your children to anger…” As a parent, that is a big responsibility. This takes some intentional creativity. Oftentimes, when children misbehave, this is a reflection of the time that was invested into their parenting. This is hard to bear when you realize that the creative process involved with your child’s conception does not stop. You are still very much involved in the creative process, especially in the formative years of childhood.
Parenting Styles and Their Impact on Children
Parenting styles play a critical role in shaping a child’s emotional development and overall well-being. Dr. John Gottman conceptualizes four different parenting styles: the dismissing, disapproving, and laissez-faire parenting styles. Each present distinct approaches that can lead to challenges in emotional regulation, self-worth, and interpersonal relationships. These styles may invalidate or neglect a child’s emotions, leaving them confused and unable to manage their feelings effectively. In contrast, emotion coaching offers a healthier, more constructive model that develops emotional intelligence, resilience, and problem-solving skills in your child. By modeling appreciate emotional expression for your children and guiding them through emotional challenges, parents can create lasting, positive impacts on their child’s development. Below, each one of the four parenting styles are discussed, concluding with the most healthy – Emotion Coaching.
The Dismissing Parent
Effects on Children: Children may come to believe that their emotions are invalid or inappropriate. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and confusion about their own emotional experiences, making it difficult for them to regulate their emotions effectively as they grow into adulthood.
The Disapproving Parent
Effects on Children: Similar to the dismissing style, children may internalize the belief that their feelings are wrong or unacceptable. This can result in challenges with emotional regulation and may cause them to suppress their emotions, leading to additional psychological stress as they go through life experiences.
The Laissez-Faire Parent
Effects on Children: Without guidance on how to manage and regulate their emotions, children may struggle with self-control. This can lead to difficulties in concentrating, forming friendships, and interacting positively with others.
The above outlines different parenting styles and their potential impact on a child’s emotional development. Understanding these styles can help you stay mindful as you create healthier emotional environments that contribute to your children’s well-being and emotional development. While you can easily slip into one of the parenting styles above, below is what Gottman describes as the optimal style toward building a solid framework for preparing your child to engage their emotions with skill and resilience:
The Emotion Coaching Parent
Guidance During Emotional Moments:
Effects on Children: Children raised with emotion coaching learn to understand how they are feeling and regulate their emotions successfully. They develop strong problem-solving abilities, perform well academically, and maintain positive relationships with others.
The concept of Emotion Coaching is deeply rooted in love and empathy. It’s an approach that doesn’t always come naturally and requires intentional effort, time, and patience to develop emotional awareness and problem-solving skills.
Principles for Loving Discipline
1. Discipline with Love, Not Anger
It’s natural to feel frustrated when your children misbehave, but responding in anger can harm their emotional well-being. Proverbs 15:1 teaches, “A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.“ By approaching discipline calmly and lovingly, you can create an environment where your children feel safe to learn and grow.
I recall a time when I spilled juice on the carpet. As I reflect back, I’m sure that my dad may have impulsively wanted to say some harsh words, but he chose a gentle response. The outcome became a teachable moment rather than a conflict. Even now, I don’t sit a glass on plush carpet. It’s not smart.
2. Guidance and Punishment
Discipline is about guiding children into the right path, not merely punishing them for missteps. Proverbs 13:24 states, “He who spares his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him promptly.“ While a shepherd’s rod can be used to physically correct a wayward sheep, the rod also symbolizes guidance and correction. How can your shepherd’s rod be used to encourage them in the right way? Guidance and correction take an investment of time and patience, two items that seem to be in short supply these days. As a parent, be diligent in teaching and leading by example.
3. Building Understanding Through Communication
Open communication will help your children understand the reasons behind rules and consequences. This principle explains how children internalize values when they comprehend them (Holden, 2010). Engaging in discussions rather than one-sided lectures encourages mutual respect and understanding. Doing this teaches your child how to respect themselves, but also teaches them to respect you while you are modeling self-respect even under pressure. This also creates another platform to teach children how to communicate about challenging topics in a calm and dignified way.
4. Setting Boundaries with Consistency
Children thrive when they know what is expected of them. Consistent boundaries provide a sense of safety and security. According to attachment theory, consistent and reliable caregiving leads to secure attachment and healthy emotional development (Bowlby, 1969). When boundaries are implemented impulsively and are accompanied by sporadic consequences, this confuses the child into believing they are responsible for manipulating the right conditions for getting what they want.
5. Encouraging Responsibility and Accountability
Teaching children to take responsibility for their actions helps them develop character, integrity, and self-discipline. Galatians 6:7 reminds us, “…for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap.” Instilling this principle encourages children to consider the consequences of their choices. Taking responsibility for their actions will help children begin considering how their choices affect other people.
Biblical Wisdom and Psychological Insights
The Importance of Early Training
The Bible emphasizes the significance of early childhood experiences. Proverbs 22:15 notes, “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of correction will drive it far from him.“ This suggests that children are naturally inclined toward impulsiveness and need guidance. Just like shepherds being mindful of how predators are lurking to steal away their sheep, parents are to be mindful of the devil who is lurking to persuade their child’s young mind that is so eager to experience the buffet of life. While your child is taught to be accountable to you, you show them the value of holding themselves accountable to God.
From a clinical perspective, your children lack the fully developed prefrontal cortex required for self-regulation (Giedd et al., 1999). They are relying on you to teach them appropriate behaviors and choices. This involves modeling for them the appropriate behaviors and choices. The adage, “Do as I say, not as I do” pops up in some fashion during parenthood/childhood. Let me be clear: Your children only hear what you do.
Practical Steps for Loving Discipline
1. Lead by Example
Again, children learn more from what you do than what you say. Modeling the behavior you wish to see teaches them in way that effectively resonates with their young minds. 1 Corinthians 11:1 encourages, “Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ.” Just as Christ’s has modeled for you, do the same with your children.
2. Use Gentle Correction
When addressing misbehavior, use calm and gentle words. This approach reduces defensiveness and promotes receptiveness. Unless time is of the essence, invite your children to talk with you in gentle calm tones.
3. Affirm Their Worth
Ensure your children know they are loved unconditionally. Colossians 3:21 says, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.” While you may be quick to tell your child they are messing up, affirm them in a constructive way for when they are doing things correctly; in a way that not only tells them “Good job”, but lets them know exactly what actions the did or choices that indicate a good job to you. This will teach them to find value in good behavior and in good choices.
4. Teaching Through Natural Consequences
Allowing children to experience the natural consequences of their actions can be a powerful teaching tool, as long as it is safe to do so. Instead of you jumping in and telling them something won’t work or that they are doing it wrong, allow them to experience some frustration. Then you might say something like, “You know, if you want me to show you another way, I have some ideas that might be helpful. Would you like me to share them with you?” Again, this will take some patience on your part.
5. Pray for Wisdom
Seek God’s guidance in your parenting journey. James 1:5 writes, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.”
Healing Your Own Wounds to Better Guide Your Children
Recognizing your Patterns
Understanding how your own childhood experiences affect your parenting is very helpful. Unresolved issues may influence how you discipline or don’t discipline your children. Reflecting on these patterns allows you to break the negative cycle.
Seeking God’s Healing
At times, you may feel inadequate or unworthy as a parent. In Psalm 147:3 assures you, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Trusting in God’s power to lead you to healing your own emotional wounds enables you to parent more effectively.
Conclusion
Disciplining your children with love and wisdom is a practice that creates healthy emotional development. By highlighting biblical principles with an understanding of how childhood experiences shape future behavior, you can guide and discipline your children without causing emotional harm. Remember that every child is unique, and seeking God’s wisdom through various avenues He will lead you to, will provide the guidance needed for this important journey.
References
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books.
Giedd, J. N., et al. (1999). “Brain development during childhood and adolescence: a longitudinal MRI study.” Nature Neuroscience, 2(10), 861–863.
Gottman, J. M., & DeClaire, J. (1997). The Heart of Parenting: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. Simon & Schuster.
Holden, G. W. (2010). Parenting: A Dynamic Perspective. Sage Publications.
Note to Parents
I have been working with people of all ages and walks of life for a long time. I do not have rose colored glasses on. I’m very familiar with the challenges with raising children in the world today. You might read this article and believe there is no way the principles given here could ever apply to you and your child. I assure you, taking small steps managing your own emotions will show up in how you manage your home. Please let me know if you have any questions: [email protected]