Understanding Forgiveness

Forgiveness as a Personal Boundary and Tool for Freedom

When someone does you wrong, action needs to take place, appropriate boundaries need to be maintained that will educate others on how we desire being treated. One of those boundaries is forgiveness. Setting a boundary is not so much for getting others to respect your wishes (although that will be an outcome you can expect to experience), but more about you setting boundaries for yourself; forgiveness is a mark of your character, your character is composed guidelines to which you hold yourself. You might think that is something very interesting to consider, but ask yourself the question, “How does God want me to use forgiveness as a boundary to protect me from myself?”

Let me illustrate this concept to clarify:

If someone is in your house stealing from you, in this culture, the police are called to enforce the boundary and deliver the consequence. This is the physical ramification of the action they made. Then there is mental action. Because you do not want the crime of that person intruding into your mental process on a daily basis, you use forgiveness as a tool to exit all revenge of that person from your mind. If you have anger, resentment, or revenge toward another person, your mind is in bondage to that person. You are not free. This is how forgiveness is a gift from God to protect you from holding on to negative emotions that will inevitably corrode your relationship with others, your relationship with yourself, and your relationship with Him.

Forgiveness is about you going free. God values your freedom very much, your freedom of choice. Negativity captures you in a psychological cage that is locked from the inside. Forgiveness is about you going free mentally from the negative influence that someone else’s actions inflicted upon you. With true forgiveness, you do not allow your mind to continue feasting upon the offences done to you.

Forgiveness frees you from this mental bondage. By releasing negative emotions, you regain control over your thoughts and emotions. Jesus taught in Matthew 5:44, “But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you.”

Forgiveness frees you.

When you forgive someone, that doesn’t mean that their consequences go away. No. You can forgive someone who is on death row before they are executed. Forgiveness is actually you getting out of your own way toward healing: you are not allowing the sin of another person into your mind to ravage your thoughts. When you let go of the wrong someone did to you, you are mentally freeing yourself from that person’s crime. Forgiveness sets a boundary in your mind; that the wrong done to you will be removed from your mind and you will be free of that person’s hurtful action.

Forgiveness is Essential for Mental and Physical Health

Forgiveness of others is essential to mental peace and radiant health. You must forgive everyone who has ever hurt you if you want to experience good health and peace of mind. Forgive yourself by getting your thoughts in harmony with the Holy Spirit’s voice. You cannot really forgive others completely until you have forgiven your self first. To refuse to forgive yourself is nothing more or less than spiritual pride or ignorance.

In the psychosomatic field of medicine today, it is being constantly stressed that resentment, condemnation of others, remorse, and hostility are behind a host of maladies ranging from arthritis to cardiac disease. They point out that these sick people, who were hurt, mistreated, deceived, or injured, were full of resentment and hatred for those who hurt them. There is only one remedy. They have to cut out and discard their hurts, and the one and only sure way is by forgiveness.

Harboring anger and a desire for revenge keeps your mind tethered to those who have harmed you. According to a study published in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine, unforgiveness is linked to increased stress responses, negatively affecting both mental and physical health (Witvliet, Ludwig, & Vander Laan, 2001). Holding onto grudges can lead to chronic stress, impacting cardiovascular health and increasing the risk of depression.

Holding onto bitterness impedes the natural healing process.

Forgiveness in Personal Relationships

Forgiving a partner who has hurt you frees you from resentment. Reflecting Christ’s love, rather than your pain, can be more transformative than any form of retaliation. Clinical studies have shown that couples who practice forgiveness experience greater marital satisfaction and emotional intimacy (Fincham & Beach, 2007).

You may have never understood forgiveness in this way. When you do, you can really see it as a gift from God! You might have hung onto negative mental thoughts of another person for what they have done to you that hurt you, rehearsing them in your mind. You are wanting acknowledgement of your pain. Perhaps that is a form of revenge. The desire for revenge holds you captive. Now, you can see clearly what God is inviting you to do. He is inviting you to forgive others. For example, you are now able to forgive your partner for hurting you, releasing them from the box of disapproval and resentment you have so tightly built up around them. Relationships are all about reflections of one another. If you are hurt by someone, reflecting your pain in ways that you make sure you hurt them will do nothing to make you feel better!

Your relationship with Christ takes precedence. Reflecting your relationship with Him rather than reflecting the hurt caused by your partner will do more to convict them of their hurtful actions or words than anything you could ever design. When you forgive them, you are able to let go of the wrong they did, then you are able to be free mentally. Now, you are able to be free from the bondage of their hurtful action. You are able to truly love them and treat them as if they never wronged you. You are able to experience the freedom to act in the freedom with which Christ has made you free.

“And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses” (Mark 11:25).

Self-Criticism Does Not Motivate Change

Guilt can weigh heavily on the mind, often causing self-punishment through various destructive behavior and thinking patterns. It’s essential to recognize that suffering doesn’t come from external punishment but from our own thoughts and actions. When there is a misuse of the physical or moral laws of life, there are consequences; but these are not handed down as punishment. Instead, they are the natural reactions to our choices. Understanding this is key to releasing the guilt and forgiving oneself.

Forgiveness is about aligning thoughts with harmony and peace. Self-condemnation creates internal conflict, while self-forgiveness brings relief and healing. Once the mind lets go of guilt and embraces forgiveness, there is an immediate shift toward mental and physical well-being. This clarity allows for a deeper realization that past mistakes don’t define the present ability; what you do in the present is what defines it. We often criticize ourselves in hindsight. When you are in a moment of decision, you will usually choose based on the perceived benefits and your competence to manage the outcome of those choices. When you practice making good choices, and practice good management of those choices, you will gain competence to begin making good choices by default. This will create fewer opportunities for you to be tempted to criticize yourself or others as you assume responsibility for your choices and action. If you can conceptualize how practice requires forgiveness, you will realize how everyone you meet is practicing how to live in and through this life experience.

In Luke 6:31, we are told: “And just as you want men to do to you, you also do to them likewise.” This is not where you follow what God tells you to do and just hope that it works in the simplicity with which it is given, but He is telling you how he designed reality. Think about how you want to be treated. God is telling you, if you truly forgive others, you are surely going to be forgiven when the tables are turned.  His Forgiveness is a token of the Holy Spirit working within your heart, so offering forgiveness is also a form of witnessing, whether you are showing forgiveness to someone on the street who bumped into you or your partner who just snapped at you.

Theological Insights on Confession and Forgiveness

Could it be that confession is the tool God has provided for to actuate freedom from your own sins, while forgiveness is the means through which you are able to free yourself from another person’s perceived sins against you? 1 John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” It would seem that confession and forgiveness are tools God has provided, so that sin is transferred from you to the Sin Bearer.

Going a bit deeper and listening to what Jesus said to His Father on the cross in Luke 23:34, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” Then in 2 Cor 5:19, it says “For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to Himself.” Consider the possibility that Jesus was saying, “Father, don’t hold these sins of these people in Your mind. I am the Sin Bearer. Even You, Father, don’t hold the sins of these people who are abusing Me in Your mind. Let go of their sins and place them on Me. I will even die for these sins.”

“Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and His ways past finding out!” (Romans 11:33)

Understanding and Letting Go

Understanding that your thoughts shape your experiences empowers you to stop blaming others. “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind” (Romans 12:2). Cognitive restructuring, a core component of CBT, involves challenging and changing unhelpful thought patterns.

Realizing that external factors don’t dictate your happiness allows you to embrace personal responsibility. “For as he thinks [into] his heart, so is he” (Proverbs 23:7).

Technique of Forgiveness

The following is a short and simple method, which works wonders in your life as you practice it:

Quiet your mind, relax, and be still. In a calm and bold voice, ask the Holy Spirit to join you in this moment. Thank Him for the restoration that forgiveness is bringing to you right now. Then you can use the following or come up with your own heartfelt words, but say something to the effect of: “I fully and freely forgive (mention the name of the offender); I am releasing them from my mind and giving them over to Jesus. I am resilient in Christ. Love overcomes all. I completely forgive everything connected with this stinging situation. I am free now and they are free now. It is a marvelous feeling to experience. Forgiveness is a miracle that God is performing right now. Thank you, Lord, for showing me Your way. Amen” 

The great secret of true forgiveness is that once you have forgiven the person, it is unnecessary to repeat the prayer. Whenever the person comes to your mind, or the particular hurt happens to enter your mind, wish the them well immediately, and say, “Peace be to you, (name).” Do this as often as negative thought enters your mind. You will find that after a few days the thought of the person or experience will return less and less often, until it fades into nothingness.

Remembering past hurts without pain signifies your healing. “…even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do” (Colossians 3:13).

The Acid Test for Forgiveness

There is an acid test for gold. There is also an acid test for forgiveness. If I should tell you something wonderful about someone who has wronged you, cheated you, or defrauded you, and you sizzled at hearing the good news about this person, the roots of hatred would still be in your heart, playing havoc in your mind.

Let us suppose you had a painful abscess on your jaw a year ago, and you told me about it. I would casually ask you if you had any pain now. You would automatically say, “Of course not, I have a memory of it but no pain.” That is the whole story. You may have a memory of the incident but no sting or hurt any more. This is the acid test, and you must meet it psychologically and spiritually, otherwise, you are simply deceiving yourself and not practicing the true art of forgiveness.

Indicators of Genuine Forgiveness

An indicator of genuine forgiveness is your emotional response to positive news about someone who wronged you. If you feel bitterness, your forgiveness is incomplete. Psychologist Dr. Everett Worthington suggests that reaching emotional forgiveness involves replacing negative emotions with more constructive thoughts that are reframed into other-oriented emotions like empathy and compassion (Worthington, 2003). When you follow Christ, you are claiming a side. Satan is trying his best to work through you to hurt others, just like he is trying to work through others to provoke you away from following Christ. When you respond to others in a way that continues the conflict pattern, you are not following Christ. When you can see a person who has “lost it” as someone who hates themselves, their projections onto you can be extinguished with compassion, mercy, and grace. Will the extinguishing happen in that moment? Maybe not.  

The Role of the Holy Spirit in Helping You to Focus

The Holy Spirit loves to express Himself as harmony, peace, beauty, joy, and abundance through you. The will of God or the tendency of Life that is always interested in your good.

If you set up resistance in your mind to the presence of the Holy Spirit working through you, this will create emotional congestion that will get snarled up in your heart and cause all kinds of negative conditions in your mind. God has nothing to do with unhappy or chaotic conditions in the world. Man’s negative and destructive thinking brings about all these conditions. Therefore, it is silly to blame God for your trouble or sickness.

Many persons habitually set up mental resistance to the Holy Spirit by accusing and reproaching God for the sin, sickness, and suffering of mankind. Others cast the blame on God for their pains, aches, and loss of loved ones, personal tragedies, and accidents. They are angry at God, and they believe He is responsible for their misery.

As long as people entertain such negative concepts about God, they will experience the automatic negative reactions in their hearts. Actually, such people do not know that they are punishing themselves. They must see the truth, find release, and give up all condemnation, resentment, and anger against anyone or any power outside themselves. Otherwise, they cannot go forward into a healthy, happy, or creative activity. As soon as these people entertain a God of love in their minds and hearts, and they believe that God is their Loving Father who watches over them, cares for them, guides them, sustains and strengthens them where this concept and belief about God is truly believed and accepted into their hearts, they will find themselves blessed in countless ways.

Guidelines for Embracing Forgiveness

• Understand God’s Nature: God doesn’t send suffering; your negative thoughts and actions yield natural consequences. God never punishes, only allows natural consequences. Man punishes himself by his false concepts of God, life, and the universe. His thoughts are creatively designed, and he creates his own misery.

Galatians 6:7: “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap.”

• Embrace a Loving God: Believing in God’s love opens your heart to blessings. Your concept of God is the most important thing in your life. If you really believe in a God of love, your heart will respond with countless blessings. Believe in a God of love.

1 John 4:16: “And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him.”

• Accept God’s Forgiveness: God holds no grudges; He offers you healing and restoration. God holds no grudge against you. Life never condemns you. God created life to heal a severe cut on your hand. God created life to forgive you if you burn your finger.

Psalm 103:2–3: “Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits: Who forgives all your iniquities, Who heals all your diseases.”

• Release False Guilt: Self-condemnation doesn’t come from God but from negative thinking whispered to you by Satan. Your guilt complex is a false concept of God. God does not punish or criticize you. That is the devil’s influence. He gets you to do this to yourself through false beliefs, negative thinking, and self-condemnation.

2 Timothy 1:7: “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”

• Acknowledge Natural Consequences: You create your own misery through false beliefs, not because God punishes you. Man punishes himself by his false concepts of God, life, and the universe. His thoughts are creatively designed, and he creates his own misery.

Proverbs 19:3: “The foolishness of a man twists his way, And his heart frets against the LORD.”

• Master Your Thoughts: By controlling your reactions, you prevent others’ negativity from affecting you. You cannot be hurt by criticism when you know that you are master of your thoughts, reactions, and emotions. This gives you the opportunity to choose to pray and bless others, thereby blessing yourself.

2 Corinthians 10:5: “Casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.”

• Seek Divine Guidance: Accept what the Holy Spirit brings to mind as good, eliminating self-pity and hatred. When you pray for guidance and a right action of the will, take what the Holy Spirit brings to mind. Realize it is good and very good. Then there is no cause for self-pity, criticism, or hatred.

John 16:13: “However, when He, the Spirit of truth, has come, He will guide you into all truth.”

• Address Negative Emotions: Resentment and hostility harm your health; forgiveness heals. Resentment, hatred, ill will, and hostility are behind a host of maladies. Forgive yourself and everybody else by pouring out love, life, joy, and goodwill to all those who have hurt you. Continue until you meet them in your mind and are at peace with them. To forgive is to give something for. Give love, peace, joy, wisdom, and all the blessings of life to others until there is no sting left in your mind. This is the true test of forgiveness.

Ephesians 4:31–32: “Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.”