Self-Abandonment Patterns
You have been here before.
The yes where you know wanted to say no. The way you shift your preferences depending on who you’re with. The way you don’t say what you think, so that you don’t rock the boat. This is self-abandonment. And it’s more common than you might think.
Self-abandonment is the act of habitually putting other people’s needs, feelings, and preferences ahead of your own. Not sometimes, in the ebb and flow of mutual kindness and respect. But as your automatic, baseline program that your mind runs on. You stop asking yourself what you want or prefer because you have conditioned yourself to care more about other people’s needs and wants are than your own. Self-abandonment isn’t humility. It’s a rejection of the person you were designed to be.
This is how it works, psychologically. Somewhere in your early life you learned that connection, love, or safety had prerequisites. Perhaps speaking your mind led to conflict. Perhaps having needs made you a nuisance. Perhaps your feelings were too much for others to take. So your brain, in its amazing adaptability, learned to pay close attention to other people and adjust your responses to them rather than creating intentional responses that respect others, but also respected yourself. You became an expert at reading situations. Anticipating reactions. Controlling your moods.
This pattern is a recipe for a certain kind of burnout. You end up living a kind of double life, both the one you show and the one you hide. Slowly you forget what your actual preferences, desires, and boundaries ever were. You don’t even know what you want anymore because you have practiced acquiescing to what others want from you.
The healing begins when you notice the pattern without judgment. Self-abandonment isn’t a character flaw or weakness. It’s a way of protecting yourself that was adaptive in the past but is now more costly than it’s worth. Repair involves learning to practice vulnerable resilience, one interaction at a time, and demonstrating to yourself that you are able to be honest about what you want and need. It does take some practice though. The aim is to remain patient and kind, but to be patient and kind to others while also being patient and kind to yourself. This is possible, for sure!
You were made in the image of God! You were created to have desires and defined lines around who you are.
Would you like to stop abandoning yourself? Schedule an Individual Session and let’s start rebuilding the relationship with yourself you’ve been neglecting.
